EVEN AS A SHADOW

by JoAnn Baca

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.
~ Euripides

“Are you almost ready?”

Caroline Chandler sighed as she snapped the locks closed on the small overnight case she had packed. Long experience had taught her to bring only essentials: her toothpaste and toothbrush, deodorant, a brush, slippers and a short silk robe. The hospital would insist she wear one of their ridiculous gowns, so it would do no good to take any of her lovely negligees. It saddened her, when she had so many in her lingerie drawers. Charles never seemed to tire of adding to her collection with another extravagant gift of filmy French silk or smooth satin.

She opened a dresser drawer and ran her fingers across the folds of the topmost gowns, which shimmered in the light cast by the Tiffany lamp on her dresser. So beautiful…and how Charles loved to see her wear them. She wondered if the time would come again when the most difficult decision she would have to make was whether to slip on the all-but-transparent peach negligee or the sleek black satin nightgown or the lace-trimmed shantung that draped like water or… Reluctantly, she shut the drawer and turned back to reality.

Patting the closed overnight case with one hand, she answered her husband’s query. “Ready.”

Charles came out of the dressing room adjusting his tie. “Martha will stay with Cathy until I return tonight, and while I’m at work all week,” he reminded her, knowing she would need that reassurance, as she did every time she had to return to the hospital…which she had done with increasing frequency these past few months.

“Yes.”

It was best to say as little as possible. For her heart was troubled, and it was the least she could do not to burden Charles with her fears. He had so many worries: he was in the midst of starting his own law firm, he would be caring for their child, her dependence as she grew sicker was increasing the stress on him…

Caroline turned and handed her case to her husband. As she caught his eye she noted the sudden shift in demeanor, his careworn look disappearing into a sunny but false smile. Dear man…he was trying so hard to pretend he was fine, and that she would be fine, too. When both of them knew the truth: she was dying.

She put on a dazzling smile the equal of his and said, “You get the cab. I’ll just go tuck Catherine in.”

He nodded, knowing he wasn’t fooling her in the least with his false cheer. But this game allowed them some semblance of normalcy, and they would both cling to that tenaciously, for as long as they could pretend. So he simply gave her a brisk kiss on the cheek then left their bedroom while she stood there, trying not to let the growing spasms of pain she’d been feeling show on her face, just as he had tried not to let his sadness show on his. She had to be brave – for his sake, and especially for her daughter’s.

Her life before Charles had been a struggle. She had left a bitter, silent home in a dying town to forge her own path amidst the tall towers of a big city filled with possibility. She was sure her luck would change in a place that large, seemingly brimming with prospects enough for every starry-eyed newcomer. But her dreams had been crushed, her hopes had collapsed into nightmares. Doors had not opened even a crack for her; opportunities seemed to go only to others. She’d had to scramble for even the tiniest changes in her circumstances. The mockery of those at home had rung in her ears for having the audacity to believe she could ever rise above her lot in life. What she’d thought of as her strengths – her charm, her character and her intelligence – were no match for an increasingly hostile and indifferent world. She had begun to believe that she did not deserve a place in it when a chance meeting on a sunny street corner changed her life. She had literally stumbled into the arms of a brilliant and kind man who had proved to her, finally, that she could live another life and dream another dream.

With that amazing relationship came a comfortable home, then a beautiful child, and the promise of bright possibilities in her future…until doctors found a cruel disease inside her that was slowly snatching it all away. She held the ashes of her dreams in her hands now – bitter ashes, made all the worse because she had tasted the life she had dared to reach for and finally won for only a few short years.

Caroline nearly doubled over as another searing pain sliced through her, one both physical and emotional. The moment she had been dreading was upon her – she had to leave her daughter again.

She breathed through the pain until it slowly eased. How long before it would return? Hoping she would be spared for a while, she squared her shoulders and walked briskly across the hall and into Catherine’s bedroom, determined that the child not see her react to the agony as it clutched at her entrails again. For something within her whispered that this was the last time she would be in this house, in this room.

She banished the thought as soon as it flashed into her mind, but the truth of it was impossible to ignore.

There under the covers lay the young girl who was the embodiment of the love shared with her dear Charles, fretting with the edge of her bedspread. She was a sensitive child, aware of the undercurrents in the household, no matter how hard her parents had tried to shield her. Her Daddy never left the house this late, and she had seen him carrying Mommy’s small suitcase. She worried what those things might mean. But when she saw her mother, she relaxed into a joyous smile, hugging her little toy lion tightly, whispering to him that he was silly to worry.

Caroline smiled as brightly as possible as she tucked the bedclothes tightly around young Catherine. “There, now. All set for dreamland!” Masking the pain the movement caused, she made herself kneel and kiss her daughter’s forehead, accepting the hug Catherine offered with a gratitude the child accepted without understanding.

Caroline could have lived within that moment forever.  But – too soon – her daughter’s arms fell away, and she didn’t want to frighten the girl by holding onto her far longer than she usually did.

As she gazed down on the innocent face that looked up at her with such love and trust, Caroline trailed the fingers of one hand through the bright blond hair that matched Charles’s in color. It tore Caroline’s heart in two that she might not have another moment like this with her sweet child.

All the things she had always wanted, the things missing from her own life: a sense of safety, a cheerful home, demonstrable love – she had hoped to always give her daughter. A life like that could be happy. A life like that could be looked back on with a smile.  A life like that could give a child wings.

What was going to happen to Cathy if her life was ripped to pieces by her mother’s death? Would such a loss at this tender age scar her daughter forever? Could she move past it and reclaim the happiness that she held so fully now? That worry pained Caroline almost as much as the cancer that was eating away at her.

Realizing that her mother was dressed in going-out clothes instead of her nightwear, Catherine’s lower lip slowly began to quiver. “Are you leaving again?” Tears trembled on the verge of falling, and Caroline brushed them away.

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t worry. You are safe and you are loved – by me, by your Daddy, by Martha…by so many people.” If this is the last time… But how do you prepare a child this young for heartache? And why sadden her now? The world would eventually show her how cruel it could be. Let her have her precious days of innocence.

Caroline captured her beloved daughter’s face between her palms. “I want you to listen to me and remember this. Do you promise?”

Little Catherine nodded, serious, big green eyes wide and trusting.

“Whatever happens…whatever comes…know that I love you.” Caroline emphasized the last three words by gently squeezing her daughter’s face. Of all she wished to tell her, these words were the most important. Could they carry her through? She had to trust they would. Perhaps she might forget the exact words, but hopefully her heart would remember her mother’s love.

“I know, Mommy.” Cathy spoke with a child’s understanding. Caroline hoped it would gain in meaning as her daughter grew older.

Catherine reached her arms around her mother’s neck, hugging her tightly again. “I love you, too,” she whispered, her words a balm.

Feeling the pulse of her heartbeat echoed in her child, Caroline hovered close when Catherine pulled away to lie back down. She touched her chest, above her heart, then tapped her daughter’s chest at heart-point. “Here, sweetheart. I live here, inside of you…” and tapping her own chest again, she added, “and you live here, inside me. Nothing can change that.”

Solemnly, young Catherine repeated her gestures and nodded.

Downstairs on the street, a car horn sounded. The cabbie was getting restless. Time didn’t stand still, no matter how much you wished it to.

“Now go to sleep and dream wonderful dreams.” Caroline smiled and kissed her daughter goodnight.

And, as it turned out, goodbye.