SECRET ADMIRER

by Linda S Barth

Geoffrey hovered in the doorway, not quite in, not quite out. He could see Catherine working at her desk in an alcove of her husband’s recently expanded chamber. He didn’t want to disturb her. But he had to.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, clenching his fists and feeling his stomach flip-flop. Maybe he should leave. Maybe he should just forget about the whole thing. But somehow he couldn’t make his feet move.

He had to do it. “Catherine?” When had his voice started croaking? He cleared his throat and tried again. “Excuse me – Catherine?”

Her smile made him feel a bit better. “Geoffrey! Come in.” She gestured toward a comfortable chair near her desk.

He sprinted across the room and flopped down before he could convince himself not to. “You’re working – I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.”

“I was looking for a reason to take a break, so you’re really doing me a favor. And it’s always good to spend some time with you.”

He felt his nervousness begin to ebb in the warmth of her smile. But he couldn’t help thinking, I wish she felt the way Catherine does. The last time he’d talked to her, he tried to tell a joke he’d made up. She hadn’t laughed. He could still see her roll her eyes and flounce away.

But Catherine wasn’t like that. She was kind; she would tell him what he should do. He squirmed and thumped his heels against the base of the chair. Knowing what he had to say was easy enough. Knowing how to say it was just the opposite.

“Is there something you’d like to talk about? If there is, I’m ready to listen.”

He nodded slowly, but the elusive words taunted him, scampering just out of reach.

“Is there a problem, something I can help you with?”

Again, he nodded. Again, the words escaped him.

“I’ve never been very good at reading minds, Geoffrey, so I think you’ll to have to tell me in words.”

Her gentle teasing made him smile. It’ll be all right.. I’ve got to try. ‘Cause if Catherine can’t help me, no one can.

He took a deep breath. “Valentine’s Day.”

She nodded. She waited. And waited some more.

“I’ve got a problem with Valentine’s Day.”

She shook her head. “Oh, Geoffrey, you’re not alone! It’s a day for making other people happy, especially the ones we love most of all, but sometimes doing that can be very…challenging.”

That wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. After all, Catherine and Vincent were still newlyweds, and it seemed like they wouldn’t know a problem if they fell over one. Smiling, holding hands, finishing each other’s sentences. Some of the older kids, himself included, had decided the two of them could probably read each other’s minds.

“I bet you already have a Valentine present for Vincent, right?”

He hadn’t meant to say that word so soon, and he wished he could pull it back into his mouth. Make up some other reason he’d come to see her. But it was too late.

He watched her face take on a soft dreamy look. “I do have a present for Vincent, and I think he’ll love it, but I really worried until I found just the right thing. I want it to be the perfect gift, you know?”

Oh, he knew.

“But you worried if he’d like it or not?”   

 “I did at first, but now I’m sure he will.” That faraway look still softened her expression. “Sometimes you just have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right.”

He nodded so hard his neck twinged. “I know! But – but –”

This was the time to tell her! But he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

 “You said you’re having a problem with Valentine’s Day. Do you want to tell me more about it?”

“Yes!” The word shot out of his mouth before his brain could stop it. “I mean, no! I mean –”

He knew he sounded half-crazed, and that couldn’t be good. He took a deep breath. “Yes, please, I want to tell you. I need your help. I don’t know who else to ask.”

Her smile was gentle and warm. “I’m glad you came to me. I’ll do whatever I can to help you. And I promise I’ll keep your secret if you want me to.”

This was much better! He’d always been sure Catherine would help him. But first he had to reveal his secret — the one no one was supposed to know. But If he didn’t, then all his hopes and plans would be ruined.

And he was almost out of time. Thursday morning classes had just ended, and the Valentine’s Day party was scheduled for Saturday night.

You can do it, he told himself. Just tell her! It’s now or never!

He sat up straight and looked right into her eyes. “I want to give a Valentine’s Day present to S…someone.”

There, he’d done it! Sort of.

She nodded. “And what can I do to help you?”

This was going good after all!

“Would you go Above and buy if for me?” He scrambled to his feet. “I don’t mean with your money!” He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out several coins and a small handful of crumpled dollar bills. “I’ve saved everything I earned doing extra chores for Mr. Wong.”

He dropped his savings onto the desk, carefully smoothing the papery wrinkles and scattered coins into a neat pile. “It’s five dollars and seventy-two cents. Do you think that’s enough?”

“I’m sure it will be fine. Now, do you have something special in mind?”

“Yes! One of those boxes of candy. You know – the ones shaped like a heart with shiny red paper and ribbons. I saw them in the windows in a bunch of stores, but I couldn’t go in because Eric or Kipper were always with me. It wouldn’t be hard for you to get one, right?” He chewed his bottom lip. “I don’t want to take up a lot of your time.”

She shook her head as she got to her feet. “There’s nothing to worry about. In fact, I need to go Above this afternoon to do a few errands. I can easily buy the gift for you then.”

His smile was so wide it made his cheeks ache. He flung his arms around her waist and hugged her tight. “Thanks, Catherine! You’re the best!”

He felt her ruffle his hair and hug him back. “I’m glad to help out. I’ve always been a fan of true love!”

He leaped backwards as if he’d been scalded by her words. “I didn’t say anything about love!”

“I’m sorry, Geoffrey. I just assumed from what you told me…”

He felt like a fool but forced himself to look up at her. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just kind of nervous, I guess. This is – it’s just –”

“Difficult? Confusing? Crazy? Like nothing you ever saw coming?”

He couldn’t help grinning. “All of that!”

“And maybe wonderful, too?”

“Yeah, maybe.” His muttered reply didn’t match the hope in his heart.

The hourly message chimed along the pipes in the corridor. “I gotta go! I’m on lunch duty this week!”  He loped toward the doorway, then paused and looked back at his benefactor. “Thanks, Catherine, thanks a lot!”

“No problem.” She smiled at him. “Stop by before dinner so you can pick up your gift.”

“I will!” His booted feet pounding down the passageway nearly smothered her final comment, but he was sure he heard her say, “Oh, it’s definitely love!”

***

Had an afternoon ever been this long? If someone said it had, Geoffrey would say they were lying. Finally, just a half-hour before dinner, he bolted back to Vincent and Catherine’s chamber. But as he skidded to a stop in the entryway, a thought jangled his already high-wired nerves. What if Vincent was in there, too? He wasn’t ready to share his secret with anyone else. Not yet. Maybe never. Depending on how things played out, of course.

He thought about turning back and almost did. But the image of his secret Valentine smiling at him as she opened his gift gave him courage. That and a stern warning to himself.

Stop acting like a little kid! You’re almost thirteen!

He forced himself to stride confidently into the chamber and only barely suppressed a huge sigh of relief when he saw Catherine was alone. There was a brown paper shopping bag on her desk. His heart thumped faster. It had to be the gift!

“Geoffrey, come on in. I found what you were looking for. I hope you like it.” She handed him the bag. “Go ahead – take a look.”

His hand trembled more than a little as he pulled out…the answer to his hopes. A heart-shaped box wrapped in glittery red foil, tied with a white satin ribbon and trimmed with a red velvet rose. He could scarcely believe he was seeing something so beautiful, almost as beautiful as a certain girl’s big brown eyes. Eyes that would surely light with happiness as she discovered his Valentine surprise.

“It’s – it’s perfect!” Then, a frown shadowed his joy. “But it looks kind of expensive. Was there enough money?”

She nodded firmly. “Everything was on sale since it’s so close to Valentine’s Day, so you had just enough.”

Everything was working out! Maybe that meant…

“Look in the bag again. I thought you’d need a card, too.”

He read the Valentine verse aloud. “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I hope you like this gift, As much as I like you.” He shot her a worried look. “Thanks, Catherine, it’s a really nice card, but I don’t know if this is such a good idea. If I sign it, then…the person…will know the gift is from me.”

“But isn’t that the whole point – to let the person know you like them a lot?”

He carefully returned the box and card to the bag and hugged it protectively to his chest. “I guess, but what if she doesn’t like me back? What if she thinks I’m a jerk and the present is stupid?”

She headed toward the pair of comfortable chairs. “Come sit down. I think we need to talk about this some more.”

He knew she was right, but that didn’t mean he wanted to agree. Nevertheless, he plopped down and set his precious burden by his feet.

“Geoffrey, first of all, I’m sure none of the girls would think a lovely gift like this is stupid. And I can’t imagine anyone would say such insulting things to someone as thoughtful and sweet as you, especially when you’re only trying to make them happy on Valentine’s Day.”

He couldn’t help blushing a bit. “Do you really think so?”

“I absolutely do. And if this girl doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done for her and if — at the very least – she doesn’t show some respect for your feelings, then she’s not the right one for you.”

 “Sa – she’s the right one! I’m positive!” He winced. That was close.

Catherine’s smile dimmed just a bit. “But you have to remember…” She paused and he wondered if she was trying to find a way to make something bad sound better. “Even though I would completely disagree with her, there is a chance she doesn’t return your feelings. I bet everything will work out beautifully, but –”

“But maybe it won’t, right?”

She nodded. “And sometimes girls your age don’t know how to express their feelings. She might like you a lot but pretend not to.”

He sighed. “This is really confusing, Catherine.”

She reached out and patted him on the knee. “I know. I still remember how hard it was to be twelve.”

“I’m almost thirteen! And Sa – she’s almost fourteen. Maybe she’s not like those younger girls you were talking about.”

“Hmm, it’s possible, but just be prepared, all right? I would hate to see you get hurt.”

He was silent for long moments and then sat up straighter. “But even if I do get my feelings hurt, I still have to do this. I have to try. It’ll be worth it.”

She smiled at him. “Are you sure you’re only ‘almost thirteen’?”

He grinned back at her. “I’m sure!” Then his grin faded. “But I still don’t know what to do about the card.”

“I have an idea. You could always sign it ‘from your secret admirer.’ That way, you’d be able to give her this lovely gift, but you wouldn’t have to worry about, well, anything else.”

“Like if she thinks I’m a jerk?”

She rolled her eyes. “She’s not going to think you’re a jerk!”

“Oh, she might – and she’d tell me, too! Sa – she always says what’s on her mind!”

He watched her try to suppress a smile. He knew what was coming next.

“Geoffrey, any chance you’d like to tell me who ‘Sa – she’ is?”

What was that odd saying Father often used? Oh, yeah, in for a penny, in for a pound. Now it finally made sense.

He swiveled his head to make sure no one else had managed to sneak into the chamber when he wasn’t looking. Then he whispered his secret. “It’s Samantha.” His heart pounded as he waited for Catherine’s reaction.

“Samantha’s an absolutely lovely girl. She’s smart and kind. I’m sure she’ll enjoy your gift very much,” she whispered back. “And don’t worry – your secret’s safe with me.”

“You won’t even tell Vincent?”

She mimed crossing her heart. “Not even Vincent.”

With his heart much lighter than he’d thought possible, he got to his feet, only to drop back onto the chair seconds later. “So, do you really think it’s okay if I don’t sign my name on the card? I think I want to use the secret admirer plan instead.”

“You need to do whatever feels right for you. Just keep in mind Samantha won’t know who her secret admirer is, and there’s a chance she’ll think your gift came from someone else.”

For a moment he panicked, picturing his entire plan crumpling to bits as it crashed into this unexpected roadblock. But he had to be brave. He could do this. And he would.

He pushed himself to his feet and retrieved the shopping bag. “It’s okay. I’m gonna have to take my chances. And no matter what, she’ll know someone likes her enough to give her something special on Valentine’s Day. That’s what matters more than anything.”

He’d told Catherine the truth, just not all of it. It mattered just as much that Samantha would know how he felt about her, and maybe say she felt the same way about him. And maybe she did. Anything was possible…or not. And if it was not, it was going to be very hard to take.

He had a feeling Catherine was going to hug him again, and if she did, he might cry. He headed toward the door, pausing just long enough to thank her for everything she had done for him.

“I was glad to help, Geoffrey. You’ll let me know how things go, won’t you?”

“Sure!”

Then he disappeared into the passageway. If the worst happened, he’d definitely cry, even if he was almost thirteen.

***

His plan was working perfectly. His heart fluttered as he entered the chamber along with Samantha and the rest of his classmates for their Saturday morning art appreciation class. Elizabeth had sent word she’d be a few minutes late, and the typically talkative group was even more animated than usual, caught up in the excitement of Valentine’s Day and the party they’d be allowed to attend that evening with the grown-ups.

Geoffrey had sneaked into the classroom earlier to leave his gift at the table where Samantha and her friends Jasmine and Callie always sat. He made sure it was positioned perfectly with the card just peeking out far enough from under the fancy, beribboned box so she would see her name written on it. Then he’d slipped away and managed to join the group on the way to class just as if it were any other Saturday morning.

Now he was scared someone would notice him staring at Samantha as she discovered his surprise, but he needn’t have worried. The young teenager’s high-pitched shrieks in concert with those of her friends drew everyone’s attention.

“Samantha!” Callie’s voice reverberated off the chamber walls. “Someone gave you a Valentine present!”

Jasmine laughed and poked Callie with her elbow. “No fooling you, right?”

Callie ignored her. “Open the card, Sam! Let’s see who it’s from!”

Geoffrey watched as a radiant smile brightened the face he already thought was the most beautiful he’d ever seen. She ran gentle fingers over the velvety rose and the sleek ribbon, as if she wanted to be sure it was not just a dream. And before he could stop himself, he wondered what it would be like if she touched his hair, his face, like that.

He gave a sidelong glance to see if any of the other boys had noticed what must be a goofy look on his face, but to his relief most were watching the girls giggle and sigh over Samantha’s surprise. He fixed his expression into one he hoped looked not terribly interested in the goings-on.

“Come on, Sam,” Jasmine urged. “Class is going to start soon! Open the card before Miss Elizabeth gets here, or we’re going to have to wait an hour to find out who left this for you.”

“I can’t wait that long!” Callie grabbed the card from Samantha’s hand. “I’ll open it for you!”

Geoffrey’s heart almost stopped beating. This wasn’t part of the plan. Then, he sighed with relief as the girl of his dreams didn’t disappoint him.

“Oh, no you won’t!” Samantha yanked the card out of her friend’s hand. “This gift is for me, and I’ll open it.” She settled herself onto the bench and waited while her two friends hurriedly did the same. With a dramatic flourish, she flipped open the envelope’s flap and withdrew the card, holding it just out of the other girls’ line of vision.

She cleared her throat in a very ladylike way and began to read. “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I hope you like this gift, As much as I like you.” She paused and a tiny pout altered her sweet smile. “He didn’t sign his name.”

Jasmine leaned forward, trying to see inside the card. “It doesn’t say anything else?”

Geoffrey watched, almost unable to breathe. Then he saw a dreamy look come over Samantha’s face as she held the card to her heart. By now the other boys had lost all interest in the drama playing out before them and were once again talking loudly about what they were going to eat at the party, who was going to win the next soccer game, and why they’d left their homework until the last minute.

It took every bit of Geoffrey’s strength to keep from yelling at them to shut up. He strained his ears. He had to hear her answer.

Samantha’s eyes shone as she looked at her friends. “It says ‘from your secret admirer.’ Isn’t that the best?”

“Oh, it’s so romantic!” Callie sighed loudly. “I’m so jealous!”

Samantha smirked a bit but otherwise did not flaunt her good fortune. Geoffrey was so proud of her.

“So, who do you think it’s from?” Jasmine eagerly scanned the room for possible suspects.

Geoffrey ducked his head, pretending to search for something in his bookbag, but he made sure he could still see Samantha. And then he wished he couldn’t.

Samantha’s gaze had flown toward Zach, who along with the other slightly older boys, was totally ignoring her — as usual. The girls giggled and grabbed each other’s hands as they blushed and nodded their heads.

Just at that moment, Elizabeth entered the classroom, a bit out of breath but ready to catch up on lost minutes. The students, all of whom actually enjoyed the weekly lessons, settled down immediately, ready to learn. All except Geoffrey. It was more than a bit difficult to concentrate on Post-Impressionist art when your heart was breaking.

***

Geoffrey tried to enjoy the Valentine’s Day party. He really did. But even chocolate-frosted cupcakes, card games and charades and ping-pong, as well as cavorting and dancing to music from Mouse’s scavenged boombox couldn’t make up for the pain that wouldn’t quit. Plus, he’d spent nearly every bit of his energy avoiding Samantha.

He wished he could talk to Catherine, but she was dancing with Vincent – again. He wished he could make time reverse itself so he could choose not to go through with his stupid plan. He wished he could just disappear.

“Hey, Geoffrey!” He hadn’t noticed Eric appearing at his side until the boy’s voice screeched in his ear. “Some of the guys are going to see who can eat the most chocolate kisses all at once. Want to try?”

“Nah, not now.”

“What’s wrong? Don’t you feel good?” Eric frowned in concern. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

Geoffrey tried to be patient with his friend. “I’m fine. I just don’t feel like doing anything right now, okay?”

Eric shrugged. “Okay, but you’re gonna miss out. Zach keeps bragging he’ll be the winner, so Kipper and I are hoping he’ll puke!”

For a moment, Geoffrey reconsidered. Watching Zach throw up all over himself in the middle of a party might be worth it. “You go ahead. Maybe I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

He watched his friend run off, but the urge to follow just didn’t appear. Fortunately, the answer to one of his wishes did.

“Geoffrey, I’ve been trying to find a chance to talk with you! How did everything go this morning?”

He looked up at Catherine. He knew her smile wouldn’t last long when he told her what had happened.

“Oh, Geoffrey, I’m so sorry. I was hoping…”

“Yeah, so was I.”

She put an arm around his shoulders, and he fought the urge to nestle closer for comfort. “The worst thing is she thinks the present was from Zach, and he couldn’t care less about her. I hope her feelings don’t get hurt.”

Catherine sighed softly as they both gazed out across the crowded chamber. “Unfortunately, we can’t always shield those we care about from unhappiness. But remember, when we can find a way to endure sadness, we’ll appreciate happiness so much more.”

He was silent as he mulled over her words. They made sense. Maybe it was better to look at this whole rotten situation in another way.

“She was happy, Catherine. I made her happy…even if she didn’t know it was me.” He sighed. ”And you know what? That really does make it all worthwhile.”

He was surprised to see tears glistening in her eyes as she murmured, “I wish I’d known someone like you when I was thirteen.”

Her words helped soothe his heart and he grinned at her. “And I hope I know someone like you when I’m –”

She laughed and dropped her arm from his shoulders to shake a finger in mock warning. “Let’s just say when you’re older, all right?”

“Sure!”

Raucous whoops of laughter from a far corner of the chamber caught their attention, along with that of Father and William who began charging in that direction. “Do you want to go see what the other boys are up to?”

He shook his head. “Not right now.”

They watched a tall, broad-shouldered figure making his way toward them. “I think Vincent is going to ask you to dance again.”

Catherine’s smile was for both of them. She took Vincent’s arm but paused to look back at Geoffrey. “You’re going to be fine, you know, even though it doesn’t seem that way right now.”

He was surprised he could smile back. “I know.”

“And if you want to talk some more, I’ll always be here for you.”

He waggled his head back and forth in an attempt to make her laugh. “I know that, too! Now you better go dance with Vincent before he gets jealous of me or something.”

With a final shared smile, he watched the couple walk back to the dance floor. But as his gaze swept the crowded chamber, the smile faded from his face. There was nothing here for him. No dreams would come true at the last minute. Not this Valentine’s Day.

With a short, harsh sigh, he started toward the entryway, not looking back at what was left of his dimming dreams. He’d almost reached his destination when he felt a hand tug on his sleeve, pulling him to a stop. He spun around and gasped.

“Samantha!”

For a few moments he forgot how to breathe. He could only see her dancing eyes and sun-bright smile. A smile that was – could it be? – for him.

Her voice broke through his daze. “It’s you, isn’t it?”

Even though he’d imagined this scenario in multiple variations, he froze, then croaked out a squeaky, “What’s me?”

Samantha tilted her head at him. “You’re my secret admirer.”

This couldn’t be happening.

“Secret admirer?” he blurted, yanking his arm from her grip. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Could he have said anything more idiotic?

But Samantha didn’t waver. “I think you do know, Geoffrey.”

Of course, he did, but how could he admit it now?

He didn’t have to.

She sighed softly. “Why didn’t you just tell me it was you?”

He hesitated. But if there was ever going to be a time to do the right thing, it was now.

“Because I didn’t know if you liked me, too.”

Samantha’s eyes widened. “Of course, I like you. I’ve always liked you!”

He shook his head and muttered, “Not the way you like Zach.”

“Zach!” Her laughter jolted him. “I don’t like Zach! Well, not the way you mean anyway.”

What?! Was he hearing things now?

“But – but – I saw you look at him after you read the card. And you and Jasmine and Callie were whispering and laughing.”

Samantha rolled her eyes. “We were whispering and laughing because Callie said she bet the present was from Zach, and I said, ‘I certainly hope not!’”

Could it possibly be true?

Samantha smiled. “I love the gift, Geoffrey. And the card. I didn’t want my secret admirer to be someone like Zach. I wanted it to be –”

Jasmine and Callie giggled their way up to them, seeming to appear out of nowhere. “Sam, let’s go!” Callie began pulling her out the door. “Remember Olivia said she’d help us braid our hair after the party so it will look all cool and curly in the morning.”

“And we were supposed to meet her in our chamber ten minutes ago,” Jasmine added. “Come on!”

Samantha hesitated, then let herself be dragged off by her friends. But not before she cast one last beaming smile in Geoffrey’s direction.

She hadn’t said the words he longed to hear, but just maybe her smile was a promise. It was enough for now. It had to be.

He lingered at the chamber entrance, lost in wonderment of what had so improbably occurred, until rapid footsteps coming closer and closer broke into his reverie.

She slid to a stop and leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Geoffrey!”

And then she was gone, but his dreams of first love were here to stay.