RESCUE ME

by Paula

Rescue me from despair
Tell me you will be there
Help me please – darlin’ rescue me.

~ Bryan Adams, lyrics: Do I Have to Say the Words

Alone, among the softly lit corridors, she walked, scuffing her shoes on the sandy ground, with her hands tucked into the pockets of her voluminous jacket. Without him, she felt the coldness of the tunnels. The neighborhood looked gloomy and sad;  without him, everything looked that way.

When we talked, there was so much silence, awkwardness…resignation hovering in the air between us. “Leave me now.” His request, crippling her heart. The very thought of leaving him set off a wave of protest. She waited and hoped her confession would shatter the concentrated moment. His closed eyes, lowered head…

But you slammed the door in front of me, closed the invisible curtains. Her gaze blurred, and the corner of her mouth twitched. Don’t think, just let me touch you, be by your side, love you… She sighed. And I will still fall into the sweetness of dreams and go crazy with tenderness when you say my name. My heart will leap and my body will tremble.

A familiar corridor emerged from around the bend, a place where it was so hard to part: a tender embrace, a longing sigh, and lately gentle kisses, so pure, a little shy, but with embers smoldering beneath the surface, waiting to cross that thrilling boundary, after which everything will flow like an avalanche. This alluring flame made her tremble inside in anticipation.

Her feet stopped before entering her world. This bright light has never lifted her spirits. She bit her lip and turned around slowly, but the hope that had smoldered on the way back was extinguished instantly. Once again the image in front of her eyes became blurred. But, you did not follow me.

The severe words kept coming back to her, and his anguished gaze still appeared before her eyes. She leaned heavily against the brick wall, suspended between two worlds, clenched in the grip of terrible fear.

She spread her hands helplessly. “But how? How could I?” A shudder, hidden until now, ran down her chest; tears of helplessness left wet marks on her face. You are me, you are in me, in my innermost dreams. Her hands were already clenching the rung, her forehead was still resting against the metal bar. Isn’t this the moment when I should show you support and understanding? Finally, you let me observe your emotions; you let me touch the delicate areas around your heart.

Hope began rocking and soothing her. I’ve seen the swamps you still won’t let me enter. But you have known that I have not been afraid of the dark for a long time.

Flashes of grief and anger crackled all around her. This contact was needed to ignite a spark that would lead her in a certain direction. She turned and looked at the familiar surroundings. I had to get all the way here to have the courage to defy his request. She shook her head and clenched her lips. Enough of this rejection, enough of hiding. Her steps became more sure, quickened, her gaze focused; her cheeks were still burning with emotion, but there was a hint of fear left and the rightness of her action triumphed in her heart.

* * *

Vincent felt her moving away. Her footsteps became less and less audible, until finally silence fell, plunging him into a sea of hopelessness. Paralyzing torment, pent-up emotions unleashed a rash of thoughts. Frequent blinking did not stop the tears. He could not stay here any longer; he wanted to relive his nightmare on his desert island. Alone, always alone!

A quick rise from his chair made him groan. In every muscle he felt the effects of his earlier battle with the outsiders. His entire skin was crisscrossed with erosions of pain; he could feel the flared roots of his nerves. But what ached most was a heart too sensitive to the enormity of evil and a soul haunted by remorse; images reminiscent of the struggle for life: hers, his family’s, and his own.

He bowed his head and closed his eyes.  Regret, sadness, shame – my constant companions! Increasingly heavy breathing reverberated through the rocky area as he headed toward the exit; a tremor traveled from the very depths to the painful surface of his skin. Talking with Catherine could save me, could sort out the disintegration process in my head and heart. I shake before the unknown, unable to break this vicious circle where everything is fear and uncertainty.

In the gloomy silence, punctuated by the sound of transmitted messages, he dragged his feet toward his solitude. With his last strength, he reached his chamber. An ice rim was wrapped around his heart. Sweet delusion, why don’t you carry me anymore?

For a few moments, he leaned against the rock wall, equalizing his breathing. With his uninjured hand, he touched the wall and looked around the familiar space. Even here I won’t feel better… I should go as far away from here as possible. I should fall down and wait for the darkness to encompass everything, my longing, my anxiety, my torn soul.

The spacious chair seemed to be so far; a little more effort, a few more steps, and with a heavy sigh he sank back onto his favorite seat. He tilted his head back; now he could contemplate his fate, but with no relief.

His hand touched his lips, remembering Catherine’s kiss when the bullet reached him. Despite the pain and grief, I desired nothing than to stay in her embrace. He clenched his eyelids tightly. She confessed her love to me, a creature full of rage who had destroyed everything in one move, intoxicated with victory. This piece of the jungle, so diligently guarded, appeared before her eyes! He sighed miserably. This is my anxiety, my rebellion, my lost illusions, my mocked hopes, my bitterness. 

He covered his forehead with his palm. I have to admit that I’m sick of the self-flagellation as I push you away from me because I want you… I want you so badly that I’m close to madness. I want you, my fleeting dream. An unexpected, shaky wave flew through him. You have grown into me, into my mind, into my heart, now sore and swollen.

His face contorted with grief and suffering. In my fury you are the light for my soul, to which I go, so that I do not lose myself completely. Pull me out of this abyss that drags me down.

He looked at a single candle, struggling to provide a substitute for light in the surrounding darkness, and the frantic pace of his heartbeat echoed in his ears.

Maybe I will fall here and stay like this. With resignation and a sense of utter failure, he looked at the table with Rilke’s book. He flipped through the pages to reach the poem he had marked earlier, even begun to read, but the letters blurred at a rapid pace. And this isn’t even the time for poetry. The bitterness of this thought flooded him; his favorite lyric rested on his chest.

He tried to get himself together and remain calm, and then a new wave attacked him. The fight against the recurring images of the clash continued uninterrupted. Closing his eyes, he tried to drive away the nagging memories: blood, roars, more blood, rage, madness. Memories burned with a living fire.

“Enough!” His mouth twisted in pain as he attempted to get up. He breathed deeply without a shadow of relief, remaining in the same place…And suddenly a bright thought took the only possible course. Confess everything to her. Throw out this bundle of obsessions and ask if this is what you want.

He furrowed his brow and pressed his lips together.Tenderness crouched within him, gnawing at his insides; a mild shock went through him. I will die without you, die without you! You are the whole world, the power that I protect, before which I kneel and which I am so afraid to accept. Kiss me again, touch me and let this torment end once!

The wish, repeated over and over in his head, awoke distress combined with anticipation. I asked her to leave me.  I can’t tell her I long for her return.

His gaze was fixed on the entrance to the chamber, overhearing the sounds, but there was only a steady tapping of the pipes. Why am I disappointed? That’s exactly what I asked for – solitude!

After a while of staring persistently at a single point, his emotions cooled, his exhausted body demanded rest. His eyelids became heavier, breathing calmed down; healing sleep came to his aid, bringing temporary respite…

A meadow full of sun, singing, shimmering colors, with a gleam on every blade of grass, with stands of green and purple trees, with a rocky, dirt road somewhere nearby, with birds, resting on the hot ground and long branches. All around, the smell of moisture, freshness, awakening earth and hope. In a thicket of greenery, two figures, hidden as if in a cocoon…

In her kiss the rush and tenderness, the build-up and explosion; I crush her mouth, I devour her lips, wild with desire, soft as velvet, moist, I lose myself in them. I feel the pressure of her breasts, I begin to seek them. I feel the hunger for warmth when she holds me in her embrace. I draw in air very deeply, and then slowly, tremblingly let it out. I feel this trembling all over my body. Her whole face lights up with gentleness and joy, a smile encompasses her eyes, the movement of her eyebrows, her lips, her cheeks… Everything around me is rippling, and I am consumed by the intensity of it…

* * *

Catherine moved through corridors not long ago filled with evil and cruelty. The specter of these hung over the familiar paths. The mere mention of it sent a shiver down her spine.

Halfway through, she was stopped by a sting of grief and longing. Her heart leapt and her body trembled, the imposed emotions shaking her. Oh, Vincent! The nearby wall helped her stay upright. You need me. An unexpected elation began to spread through her heart but she didn’t even have time to quicken her pace as the feelings disappeared, leaving her alone.

Why? She exhaled loudly, trying to shake off her helplessness, crushed by this emptiness. Again, everything is fear and darkness. Lost in thought, she passed one bend after another. How can we break through the prejudices and misgivings that are keeping us apart?

“Catherine?” Mary’s voice snapped her out of her isolation as if coming from a distant planet. “Do you need something for Vincent?  How is he?”

Good-natured Mary, devoted, compassionate, still unaware of my inner turmoil. Her face saddened, her lower lip trembled slightly. “He will recover physically, but…” She shook her head. “You know that there are places inside a person where children’s fairy tales end, shadows on the soul?”

Mary’s eyes opened wider. Her mind searched for words that would bring comfort.

“He didn’t want me to help him, to be close to him!” She had barely uttered the words before feeling the sting of his refusal. Tears were already wetting her cheeks. “But I couldn’t leave.”  Her breathing was uneven. “Is any guest chamber available near him?” She felt like an uprooted plant that would wither without its soil, air, and water.

The older woman noticed the eloquent testimony of her emotional state. The thought of these two people so deeply in love with each other, yet so far from shared happiness, troubled her. “Yes, quite close to his chambers. I prepared everything because I felt that you wouldn’t leave him.” She squeezed her hand. “What Vincent did cost him a lot. We are all grateful that this nightmare is over, but he is the one who lives with the consequences. He loves you so much! The shame he feels has prevented him from having you by his side.”

A gentle smile lit up her concerned face. She really needed that comfort, but her anxiety would keep growing until he let her into his dark jungle, his loneliness. “Your kindness and understanding mean so much to me. They give me hope and strength.”

Immediately Catherine found herself in a motherly embrace. “Come with me, my dear, you need rest, too, but first you should eat something.”

She winced a little at the thought of food, feeling a huge lump in her throat. “Thank you, but I’m not hungry.”

“Just a little something warm.” She coaxed her like a little child.

“I wouldn’t be able to swallow a bite. I know you understand, and I won’t be good company for conversation either. I’m really sorry.”

Mary’s smile was worried. “I understand. So all that’s remaining is to try to relax.”

A grimace appeared on the younger woman’s face, feigning a carefree smile. “I’ll try.”

Along the way, the conversation trailed off somewhere, and the silence allowed them to gather thoughts and even had a soothing effect.

”Good night and thank you,” she whispered, crossing the threshold.

“Good night, my child. You will surely find your way back to each other in this difficult moment.”

She softly squeezed the older woman’s hands in hers, without words but with a grateful look. She hoped the panic-stricken feeling of fear would subside a little now, and the seed of uncertainty would not begin to sprout.

The small chamber felt cozy, with a restored table, a few smoldering candles giving a warm apricot light, a bed with fresh sheets in a delicate flower pattern, and a soft pink nightgown. Her hand touched the fabric. She smiled, feeling its softness. I am surrounded by care, but I won’t get a wink of sleep tonight. How can I stop worrying about you?

Instead of calming the turmoil, her thoughts fueled it with many questions. The walls seemed to close in around her; a helpless sigh echoed off the rocky walls. We cannot be like two ships drifting in opposite directions.

The shiver running down her neck told her that perhaps everything was over and he would never let her get close to him again. Her mind said that all was not yet lost. A sudden and strong feeling lit up her face. I’ll just make sure you’re okay. A small wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows. You need to feel that I am close. Perhaps you think I will respect your request and keep my distance. Will I disappoint you very much?

There was a brief moment of hesitation, arousing anxious anticipation, but with one deep breath she gathered her courage, and full of new enthusiasm tiptoed toward his corner of the world. I hope I’ll break down the wall built from your resistance.

Only a few uncertain moments passed, and she had already reached her destination.

A single candle on the table gave off little light. Again, her heart skipped a beat, as if she were seeing him for the first time, sitting in that spacious armchair with his head bowed and his hair falling over his face, touching the corner of his mouth.  A tremor ran through her as she risked a closer approach. His serene breathing calmed the frantic rhythm of her heart. You’re sleeping. With interest, she pulled out the book resting on his chest. Rilke. What words caught your attention before you found some healing in your dream? Her eyes began to follow the text.

“I would like to sing someone to sleep,
have someone to sit by and be with.
I would like to cradle you and softly sing,
be your companion while you sleep or wake.
I would like to be the only person
in the house who knew: the night outside was cold.
And would like to listen to you
and outside to the world and to the woods…” ¹

With a trembling hand, she touched his hair. If only you would let me…

He gasped as if aware of her presence. “Catherine…” Her name whispered with adoration had never sounded so beautiful on anyone’s lips.

Her gaze followed his uncomfortable position, and without wasting a moment, she moved the blanket and quilt off the bed, making room for him. She slowly leaned over him, barely touching his ear, and took his hand. “Vincent, please go to bed. You need to rest comfortably.”

With a quiet moan, in a slight daze, he stood up and let her guide him. The beloved voice, soft touch; the mind creates wonderful scripts. When he leaned back against the pillows, his eyes widened, moving over her figure as if he couldn’t believe she was here by his side.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Her uncertain smile made the sun rise for him. He couldn’t hide what was written on his face – his dreams, desires, love, tenderness, everything that tortured his heart. Grasp her and become part of her. His gaze fell on his hands as if struck by his own thoughts. “Don’t apologize, Catherine. I would have woken up soon anyway. A chair isn’t the best place for a sleep.”

“You looked so calm.” There was curiosity and expectation in her eyes.

“I often dream that I have something within reach, and then I wake up and reality hits me mercilessly.”  His eyes changed in a cradle of sadness.

“Would you like to tell me about it?” She raised her eyebrows questioningly.

How can I hide this pain, this loneliness that cannot be concealed with words? Again, he silently bowed his head. That answer would have to suffice for her.

Her sigh was quiet, with a tone of disappointment.  I’m trembling inside when I’m near you. Why won’t you end my uncertainty?

He almost held his breath, unable to look at her, but finally he raised his longing eyes… They stared at each other intensely. It was a battle of emotions; the stillness was overwhelming.

She had to revive the mood. “Do you need anything, maybe a glass of water?” A few seconds passed without a response; her smile was a little helpless. There was a change in his expression; instead of stubbornness, more and more tenderness appeared.

“Yes, please.” His head was still buzzing with an excess of thoughts and memories.

When she returned with a drink, he held it carefully in his hand and took a few sips and then another and another. He hadn’t even realized how thirsty he was. “Thank you.”

Her face was attentive, with a hint of a smile.

The empty glass stood safely on the table; it was time to wait for the avalanche of words and questions. It was a wait for a downpour of despair, a storm of regret, or a hale of lofty feelings.

His gaze changed to one that was determined and so strong that it could pierce walls.

“I thought you went back Above.” There was a shadow of reproach in his words.

The sudden change in his behavior shouldn’t have surprised her. I could almost hear the clang of the metal bolt you had pulled to shut me out. Her heart was pounding and she felt a painful throbbing in her temples. Perhaps everything I had planned will soon fall apart, turn to ruin. She sank into a nearby chair, consciously trying to reduce the mounting tension.  Although they were separated by the distance of an outstretched arm, she felt as if it were an unfathomable chasm.

“I remember what you asked me to do. You probably think I didn’t honor your request, but…” Her eyes were big and serious. “I went and I was even close to leaving, but I just couldn’t leave you alone with this. I decided to stay around if you needed me. This is not a situation you should be left alone with.”

In response, he shook his head, feeling his disheveled hair brush against his shoulders. “This is a situation I have to deal with on my own. I’m ashamed, Catherine. I can’t look into your eyes and put out of my memories what I’ve done, how I was consumed with my power and the destruction it brings. You noticed what I guarded ruthlessly. You saw swamps in the heart of the jungle, where rotting, fallen trees lie, where water sloshes treacherously, and yet you came back to help me. It humbles me!”

She spotted, for a split second, how emotion overwhelmed him, the lower part of his face altering, his lips contorting in pain.

“Your affection for me transcends everything…how can you want to stay close to such a being? My person should repulse you.”  You unleashed a flood of words and confessions. His eyes lowered to the hands that brought the death of so many people.

Disregarding the space needed, she shortened the agonizing distance and sat down on the bed, took his healthy hand in hers and clasped it tightly. A shiver ran through his body. He watched with what strength she clung to his fingers. She sensed his struggle to break the touch in an instant, but he refrained, focused on the way her thumb stroked his fur-covered palm. Her touch set the rhythm, and he surrendered to its hypnotic influence. He couldn’t hold back the flood of tears pressing against the dam of dignity.

She noticed and felt the approaching spasmodic sobbing, his face hidden in the twilight, full of despair. “We must learn to live together, tame your loneliness, and not succumb to the beast of sorrow.” Her gaze focused on him. “Vincent, this family that settled in the tunnels carried evil. They did not behave humanely. They had no conscience, no heart, no good intentions. They killed members of our community and would continue to kill. Confrontation was inevitable, but it’s a shame that this responsibility rested on your shoulders. I saw your fury when you fought them. I felt the same, the same anger.  I wanted them to be defeated.”

He raised his head and focused on her face from above the edge, barely alive with emotion. It was clear that he was thinking about what he had heard and turning these revelations over and over in his mind… So she continued…

“I held back my anger because I knew how bad you would feel after everything, but inside I felt a desire for revenge. If I could help in some way so you wouldn’t have to endure this alone,” her voice trembled, “I would take it upon myself. I will fight with all my strength. I would give in to that fury; it would take hold of me in the face of such a threat. I would defend myself to the end, even if it meant my own end.”

His gaze softened and warmth appeared in his eyes. With his good arm, he pulled her close so that she was pressed against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist, careful not to touch his bandaged hand, and closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks, soaking into his sweater, while he stroked her back. You allow me.

He felt a warm tremor, that shiver of a dream. His brows were furrowed and he pressed his lips together to hold back his sobs. You passed through my heart, through my mind, completely. He was sure of feelings but unsure of next steps.

They remained in each other’s arms in a gentle rocking motion, and the silence was powerful, mysterious, with memories beginning to emerge. He looked at her, still cuddled up to him, resigned, no longer having the strength to fight her stubbornness. You are like a sun, which rises every morning, slowly and boldly breaking through the darkness…And I fear words and even glances.

“I’m still ashamed I can’t get over it, even though I know that I had no choice, that I defended the people who I love.”  He tilted his head back and closed his eyes again, trying to escape the flashback from that horror.

Catherine rose and sat next to him, propping herself up with pillows. “Let me help you in this dark hour when everything seems hopeless and lost to you. Feel my love, acceptance, understanding. You suffer, you take all the responsibility. I will not let you forget how good and tender your heart is, how sensitive you are. I will not let you doubt your humanity. If you share the pain between the two of us, it will be easier to bear. Here in this place is our world, our little corner of it.”

His anguished eyes met hers.  It’s a bubble, very delicate, ready to burst at any moment. I don’t want to be abandoned, cut off from life.

She could almost hear him processing her words in his head, analyzing, struggling to prevent himself from admitting the truth of what he had heard. Her hand tightened again on his palm. He sighed, defeated.

His healthy hand touched her cheek. “The part of me that takes over when I fight is not fully known to me. After so long, I still don’t know. The consequences of what I do are unbearable for me. I’ve always dealt with myself with remorse, sadness, bitterness, disgust.”

Her hand intertwined with his; she pressed it against her cheek. “Together we can get through this.” Once again her eyes welled up with tears.

Don’t I see longing, dreams, and reflection in her, don’t I see love? “I don’t want to burden you. You have already seen enough today.” Her mouth opened, wanting to deny the words; however, he pulled his hand out from under hers and placed it on her lips. “Catherine, part of me is not human. You stopped me, but I’m afraid the time will come when words will not end my rage.” He clenched his eyelids tightly, waiting… Now you will probably understand what divides us and leave me alone, because only such a life is inscribed in my destiny. This fear prevented him from opening his eyes. One glance into her eyes, and if he saw fear there, that wavering – it would destroy him.

“You forgot that I have long since accepted that part of you.” Her look was lively, attentive.

Those words, brick by brick, dismantled the wall he had built around himself. “Catherine, I…” I wish I could whisper everything in your ear… He turned toward her, their foreheads touched, their eyes closed, his shoulders began to shake. But I am a coward.

She hugged him tightly. The crying stopped, and all that could be heard was their calmed breathing. She moved away slightly and looked into his moist eyes. She touched his chest with her hand, feeling its strong rhythm. Her touch and her face so close to his confused him, plunging him into the most pleasant madness.

A reassuring glow emanated from her. “Lie down, rest. I will watch over you.”

His lips curved into a playful smile, and he lay down on his side on his good arm, making room for her. Her lips parted in surprise at this invitation. Their eyes met, and he finally saw the joyful sparkle in her eyes.

Before she joined him, she reached for a large, warm blanket and carefully laid down in the designated space, feeling a familiar, pleasant breeze. She covered them, even though they were far from cold. She lay down on her side and studied him closely. His face showed fatigue and worry, his brows were furrowed, and his lips were slightly parted, asking for attention. From time to time, she heard a quiet tapping on the pipes, and then everything fell silent…

Some sound or movement suddenly woke her from her blissful nap. When she opened her eyes, she noticed almost everything they had in common, their breaths, their hands pressed tightly together, and for everything else it was still too early… She brushed his lips with the gentlest of caresses. He muttered something in an incomprehensible language without opening eyes.  

You’re probably dreaming… Catherine snuggled into him tighter. I don’t want you to ever lose this priceless feeling of unity. It’s such boundless sweetness. A small step towards big changes. She tried to fight off her weariness to prolong this special moment, that blessed, long-awaited peace.

He heard her quiet breathing, but couldn’t open his eyes as he felt the taste of her lips and the warmth of her breath. He waited and waited to look at her, savoring the moment, remembering the details. Sentimental feelings and an ocean of tenderness flooded him. My love, my dream, desire, my torment. I have her, I hold her in my arms. My life, my intoxication, my longing. She is here, I touch her body. I let her see my emotions.

Once again, you have proven your love to me. Do I deserve it? Are you really ready? When will I stop being afraid? When we reach a shared landscape on the border between magic and reality? His cheek rested against her hair. He immersed himself in the scent, breathing deeply. “Soon,” he whispered before falling asleep.

* * *

Morning came too early, and they remained in a strange state of joy but also uncertainty. It was as if they had returned to each other after a long separation. Fleeting glances, shy smiles, and a fear lurking beneath the surface of what lies ahead.

“I have to go now.” Her face was clouded. A vague feeling of sadness hung in the air. “A couple of unfinished cases are lingering on my desk. Do…?” She didn’t know how to phrase the question. “Will you be all right on your own for now?”

He nodded, without looking her in the eyes. He couldn’t beg her to stay and cuddle him like a little child. The fear of her leaving was overwhelming, squeezing his heart. The feelings that would arise when she was no longer close to him were already troubling him.

She touched his arm and reluctantly got out of bed. “I will visit you soon.” Her lips tightened. It’s hard to return to your duties when you leave your whole world behind.

His gaze followed her movements. She put on her shoes, washed her face with water, and combed her hair with her fingers. He crashed onto the shore of reality. How to hide this dilemma, this heart’s flutter?  Her hidden emotions didn’t make things any easier for him. “Catherine, calmly get on with your work. I’m feeling much better now.” He tried to smile, even though there were fewer and fewer reasons to be happy.

Carefully, still feeling pain in his muscles, he stood up and opened his arms, into which she gratefully fell. They breathed steadily and deeply, and he leaned close to her ear. “Thank you.”

She closed her eyes tightly. “And I thank you for accepting my help.”

They couldn’t snuggle up to each other any more than they already were. She slowly moved away from him and finally looked into his eyes, which were filled with sadness. “I probably won’t make it any easier…” She smiled mysteriously.

His gaze was confused, but before he had time to realize what she meant, he felt her lips on his. His body trembled; breath by breath, she brushed his mouth until it became soft, submissive. His insides boiled. She must have felt it because she stopped her caresses, but her gaze was full of fascination, tenderness, and care.

„See you soon.” Her reddened lips uttered the words, and he followed her with a furtive glance, silent, almost brought to a heart attack by one kiss.

The distance grew, deepening his anxiety, until suddenly he was struck by her resistance to the challenges of the world Above. He sank heavily into a chair and sighed from powerlessness, looking around at the rumpled bed, which held no fulfillment of their love, but a hidden sensuality, still hidden from her.

When you are close, my mind slowly quiets down, doubts fade away, and the desire for shared happiness remains… With each step you take away, uncertainty, resignation, and fear return like a boomerang. The beast of despair will engulf me once again.

Vincent kept thinking, stubbornly and secretly. My heart almost broke when she walked away from me. Still lost in thought, he didn’t notice the figure who was watching his behavior closely.

“Why do you look so gloomy? Your beloved woman spent the night with you, and you look far from happy.”

Surprise crossed his pensive face. “Ike! What are you doing here?”

The visitor took a few big steps and hugged him carefully. “You were supposed to call me from Lin’s place like every week. I was worried, so I called her and she told me about that terrible situation. I got in my car right away, but when I arrived here, I found out that the matter had already been resolved.”

His friend’s gaze became full of regret. “Did they tell you who took care of it?”

He nodded and pursed his lips. “Man, you know I would have stood by you and fought!” His fists were clenched tightly.

“I know.” He sighed heavily. “I haven’t come to terms with it all yet.”

His companion frowned. “And Catherine? Was she here with you, or was her presence not a comfort to you?” He sat down opposite him, focusing on his face.

The change in his expression was incredible. A smile played at the corners of his mouth: his eyes were sometimes filled with sadness, then sparkled with an enigmatic glow.

“At first, I rejected her help and asked her to leave. She saw everything, this bubbling darkness, this frenzy. I couldn’t stand it!” He struggled to control his anger and bitterness. “I was flooded with shame!” His gaze was sharp and stern.”And I sent her away.”

“But…?”

He gasped “She didn’t listen to me and came back.” His lips twitched.

Ike nodded. “A wise woman.” After a moment, he narrowed his eyes. “So what’s going on? Please explain it to me.”

Vincent bowed his head, sighing heavily.

His friend raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t tell her.” Silence was the answer. “What you desire, everything you dream of, what you fear.” He stated the facts one by one.

“What can I give her? I’m bound by my own limitations.” He was shaking with indignation.

Ike noticed the grief in his eyes, the senselessness of what he dreamed about and that he dreamed at all.  “You can call me a hopeless romantic, but the answer is – yourself. And that’s what she wants and expects.”

“I used to dream, you know, even when you lived here, I believed that I too could be with someone… But the world was not a magical land full of surprises, and my dreams turned out to be bitter illusions.” He closed his eyes, stunned by this terrible sentence.

His listener felt that he was entering forbidden territory. “You have to tame this loneliness. You have to learn to live together, slowly, word by word.”

“I don’t know if she’s ready to give up everything, to sacrifice so much for us.”

“I think she is.” Maybe you will feel a surge of hope.

However, he shook his head stubbornly. “I can’t ask her to live here with me.”

“Why?”

“I’m afraid that if she regretted her decision…” He gasped for air like a drowning man. “Her return Above would kill me.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Negative factors in our lives maintain an astonishing vitality. Listen to me, my friend, the love between you two is strong and unique. I can’t imagine greater happiness for your girlfriend” – Ike paused deliberately, and Vincent looked at him, absorbing every word – “than living here with you. Brother, you have to tell her about it!”

“What you see in me is apparent bravery, which is really an unequal struggle with despair. Fear is stronger. It overwhelms me. My heart is sensitive, suspicious to the point of pain, deceived so many times.” A sudden, brief grimace crossed his face. “There are events that can leave a deep mark on your memory and influence your entire life.”

“Let her know all these secrets, your pain.”

The thought of her was revitalizing. “Catherine is my rock. I let her into a piece of my secret place. I let her stay with me. When I had her so close, I began to build a pyramid of imagination.” He rubbed his eyes with his hand. “Then morning hit me like a sea wave, sobering my mind. I struggled to keep from asking her to stay, and when she returned Above, I decided that before I took the next steps, I would go to the nameless river.”

“If that’s what you need…” The repetition of behaviors remained.

“Yes, I need to think, to clean myself of dirt and fears.”

“I wish I could help you more.” His glance was serious.

“You helped me with your presence and words. Each of us influences others, even unconsciously becoming a link in a chain of thoughts, feelings, and reactions.”

His companion’s lips twisted into a slight smile. “And when you come back, what then?”

“I would like to resolve my life. I hope I’ll tell her.”

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1. Rainer Maria Rilke. To say Before Going to Sleep.