WORDPLAY

by JoAnn Baca 

Author’s Note: Based on a Facebook post by PearlAnn about ancient English words,
this story is a riff on my Altered Episode title A Happy Loaf:

William’s zucchini bread recipe gets a new ingredient, mellowing out Father so well
that the cook is asked by the community to keep Father well-stocked with it.

* * * * *

Mouse’s grow-room, while hidden, was known to a few of the more adventurous Tunnel denizens. By mutual agreement, and considering what the Council might rule if they ever found out about it, the secret stayed a secret…for many months, anyway.

Cullen, one of those few in on the covert farming operation, was not averse to smoking a bit of weed. In fact, he thought the world was a little better place when looked at through…green-tinted glasses, one might say. So one Friday morning, he decided to play a little trick on the community. He slipped into the kitchen while William was supervising the youngsters setting up for the morning meal. Fridays were when William made his quick breads, which featured prominently at Saturday breakfasts, as they eliminated the need for cooking anything on those mornings, giving him a bit of a break. And the community was delighted with their cold breakfast on Saturdays, since everyone adored his banana bread, pumpkin bread, and especially his zucchini bread. Father was particularly fond of the latter.

Having just participated in a bit of unplanned harvesting, Cullen pulled a few leaves from his pocket and tore them into pieces over the big bowl of grated zucchini awaiting its turn to be mixed with other ingredients and baked. In fact, he chortled a bit, thinking about the word “baked” in another context.  He managed to slip out of the kitchen before he was seen, and nobody noticed the extra item in the bowl.

* * *

Saturday morning in the Dining Chamber was its usual bustle. Father normally would take his place in the line, but this day, Mary decided to bring him a slice of his favorite, covered with a napkin to stay moist, along with his pot of tea. She put the tray on a table just outside his bedchamber, where he couldn’t fail to notice it when he emerged.

Not realizing what Mary had done, William dropped off a plate containing several slices of zucchini bread in the Library, placing it in the middle of Father’s desk.

Unaware of Mary and William’s deliveries, Samantha, noticing that Father was missing from the Dining Chamber and the zucchini bread was almost gone, snagged a slice for him and ran toward the Library. She encountered him as he was making his way to the Dining Chamber.

Father had risen earlier than usual to take a look at a new pipe installation, so had left his lair prior to any deliveries. Having thoroughly inspected the work, he was now late for breakfast, moving as quickly as his bad hip would let him. He turned into the tunnel leading to his destination, only to be startled by Samantha’s pell-mell approach. She skidded to a stop and shoved the plate into his hands, saying, “Last slice of your favorite!” before dashing off.

“No running in the passageways!” Father called after her, before adding, “Thank you, Samantha!”

He considered the youngster’s news. He felt there was little point in venturing all the way to the Dining Chamber if the supply of his favorite Saturday breakfast was exhausted, so he about-faced and made for his bedroom for his reading glasses.

As he saw the tray of tea and a covered plate he hoped contained another slice of zucchini bread, he smiled. How delightful!

He deposited Samantha’s offering atop the covered plate and carried the tray to the Library. He could get his reading glasses after breakfast. When he arrived at his desk, he was even happier to find William’s breakfast treat already there.

He contemplated returning some of the slices to the Dining Chamber for others. But really…wasn’t it all right, for once, to be a little bit selfish and eat several slices himself? Yes, he imagined that just this once it would be all right.

* * *

Vincent entered the Library to find his adoptive parent sitting at his desk staring vacantly at the ceiling. Smiling at having caught him in a moment of contemplation, he asked, “How are you today, Father?”

Father’s eyes seemed a bit unfocused as the older man turned to him, frowning. “What are you doing, Vincent, smudging about like that?”

Vincent’s eyebrows rose.

“’Smudging’? I’m not entirely sure what…”

Before he could finish, Father yawned.

“Did you have a bad night?” Vincent was aware that Father’s sleep was sometimes disturbed by medical emergencies, but he didn’t recall any alert over the pipes.

Shaking his head as if to clear it, Father replied, “I thought I’d slept well, but I feel, well…completely crambazzled this morning.” He yawned again, widely, forgetting to cover his mouth as he did so.

The eyebrows that had been raised in surprise now narrowed. “You are…did you say ‘crambazzled’?”

Father popped the last morsel of his last slice of zucchini bread into his mouth and chewed while glaring at him. “Try to keep up with the conversation! And for heaven’s sake, don’t groke! It’s rude!”

“Perhaps you had better go back to bed. I fear you’re…” He didn’t quite know what he feared. A stroke, perhaps?

Grinning at his discomfiture, the older man teased his son. “Got a case of lethologica?”

That one Vincent knew. “I…I’m not sure what to call what’s happening with you, but it’s not because I don’t know the name for it.”

Father stood up. “Really, Vincent. Don’t brabble!”

“I’m not brabbling…” Vincent responded, not knowing why he felt offended when he didn’t even know what brabbling was. But it didn’t sound nice.

“Now you’re brabbling even more!”

Vincent sighed, confused and worried. “Let’s get you back to bed, shall we?” He moved toward his parent, arms stretched out to assist the man if he needed help…or encouragement.

“I’m fine. And I have no intention of being put to bed in the middle of the day like a toddler needing a nap. I am not afflicted with clinomania!”

With a deep sigh, Vincent countered with, “Nobody is saying you are. I just think it…would be wise. Before anyone else…finds you…like this.” He grasped Father’s arm with a bit more force than necessary to get him up and propelled him toward his chamber.

“Take your hands off me, you…you…snollygoster!”

A low growl emanated from Vincent’s throat, causing Father to stop arguing and go along quietly rather than antagonize his son further.

Vincent had been so engrossed in this unprecedented interaction that he hadn’t noticed Catherine standing at the top of the stairway leading to the Library. As he passed her, Father in tow, he looked at her in surprise.

“Catherine! I’m sorry you had to see…and hear…this…whatever it is.” The frustration was clear in his voice.

Catherine, however, was smiling, not in the least concerned. “He’s fine.”

“He seems far from fine to me.” He had crossed the room with his parent firmly in hand and was just heading out of sight as he heard Catherine murmur, “You are quite callipygian.”

“What?!” Vincent feared whatever had happened to Father had also happened to Catherine.

Laughing, she replied, “Relax. Although putting him to bed for a while might be best. I ran into Cullen in the outer passage as he was snorting with suppressed laughter. After I twisted his arm – literally – he confessed. Father is…baked.”

“Baked.” Still convinced she was suffering from Father’s malady, he was about to suggest that she, too, nap when she clarified her statement.

“He’s…a little high. Stoned. Lit. Toasted. Wasted. Cullen dumped some marijuana into William’s latest batch of zucchini bread, and he’s been enjoying the results of his labors, watching people who ate it. Father apparently indulged, too.”

Shaking his head, Vincent chuckled. “There will be hell to pay once Father…”

“Gets it out of his system? Only if you tell him.” She raised her eyebrows. “Do you want to be the one to explain how he’s been acting to him? Please, let me sell tickets if you do.”

He smiled ruefully. “I wouldn’t have the nerve.”

She nodded. “That’s what I thought. Perhaps it’s best to let this little episode go unremarked upon. Cullen mentioned that nobody else appeared too affected by the amount they ingested. Father, perhaps, had more than one slice.”

Vincent pointed to the plates on Father’s desk. “Possibly more than two.”

“Put him to bed. I’ll wait for you here.”

When Vincent returned after tucking Father in – whose snoring was quite audible to Catherine – he stood in front of her with a curious gaze.

“What?” she asked.

The word you used before…callip…?”

“Callipygian.”

“Yes. It’s not one I’ve ever heard you use.”

“Ah. Well, I have thought it many times, even if I’ve never said it in your hearing.”

“And the meaning of it is…?”

“I’ll let you look it up…when I’m back Above.”

He smiled uncertainly. “Its meaning is good?”

“Oh, yes.” She nodded several times.

He shrugged. “I shall wait then.” His lips twitched.

Suddenly, she was sure she was being played. “You…know, don’t you?”

He bent his head to hide a smile, then regained his composure and looked back up at her. “Greek-based words, like Latin-based words, are usually easy to figure out. While I can’t say I knew it before I heard it, its meaning is clear to me.”

She smiled. “Just so you know, it’s true that I’ve often thought it about you.”

His canines glistened as he showed her his smile. “And you are notably callipygian, as well, my Catherine.”

* * *

Father slept well but woke up quite hungry in the middle of the night. He went to the kitchen in search of a snack and was sad to discover there was no more zucchini bread to be found.

____________________ 

Smudge: 16th c. English – to walk or move humbly or sneakily.

Crambazzled: 18th c. English – to feel worn out, exhausted.

Groke: Scots – to stare silently at someone while they are eating.

Lethologica: Greek origin – the inability to remember a word or name.

Brabble: Middle English – to argue loudly over something unimportant.

Clinomania: Greek origin – an excessive desire to stay in bed.

Snollygoster: 19th c. American English – a shrewd, unprincipled person.

Callipygian: Greek origin – having well-shaped buttocks.