NO HAIR DOWN

by Peg Ray

Author’s Note: An original take on the Altered Episode title No Hair Down
created by Carole W and used with her permission.

* * * * *

It wasn’t the fact that it had happened more than once that had Father in a snit. It was the fact that it was happening on a more regular basis than he could tolerate. The coarse light brown hair that Father fished out of his soup was about three inches long and had most likely come from William’s unkempt beard. Boiling would have removed all microbiological concerns, but the aesthetic revulsion the hair roiled into his mood was the last straw.  Drastic action was on the horizon.

Father reviewed the incidents over the last two weeks in his mind as he contemplated his next steps. There was the twenty-inch-long wavy blond hair retrieved from Kipper’s tuna sandwich when Vincent had been on kitchen duty. Mary had found one long curly blond hair when Rebecca had served up chili. Samantha had been disgusted by finding a long brunette hair in the potato salad when Sarah was assigned prep work. Though these concerns were not detrimental to food safety, they were definitely a thorn in everyone’s side. This additional stress was not needed when life in the tunnels had more significant challenges to be endured.

Scientifically speaking, the average human head could shed an average of around one hundred hairs each day. That was a lot of potential to add a repulsive non-food ingredient to the meals served to the community. Father called for an assembly of all tunnel residents who participated in kitchen tasks that included cooking, prepping, serving, and kitchen cleanup since everyone had the ability to contribute failing follicles.

Father sat behind his desk shuffling some papers and clearing his throat as a preamble to speak. “We need to devise a way to keep hair out of the food that is prepared in the kitchen. Obviously, to make this goal achievable, some form of effective hair restraint is needed for everyone while working in the kitchen. What suggestions do you have?” He removed his glasses and looked around the assembly.

Sarah was the first to offer a solution. “When I was a waitress Above many years ago, we were required to pull our hair back in a low ponytail and spray the front with hairspray. Women with shorter hair just had to use hairspray.  And the kitchen cooks just wore paper hats.”

Father immediately offered his opinion on this option. “I am not sure that hairspray and paper hats would be very effective in the long run.” He saw the majority of heads in the room nodding in agreement.

“I’ve seen the cooks in kitchens where we forage wearing hairnets,” Kipper offered.

“We just received a case of bandanas from one of the helpers. Those could be used to contain the front hair and keep it out of the food,” Mary suggested.

“What about securing long hair in buns?”  William pointedly looked over at Vincent to check his reaction. He was disappointed when the tunnel prince’s ever-present calm expression remained intact.

“Well, it sounds like we have some viable options to try. Why don’t you split into teams to try out the various recommendations, and we will meet again in two days to evaluate the effectiveness and choose. This will give us a chance to procure some hairnets for trial. Let’s not forget that we need some way to contain beard hair as well.” Father directed this last comment towards William.

William harumphed before he marched back to the kitchen.

Vincent took the task upon himself to divide the crew into three teams. Sarah was chosen as head of the team that would trial the hairnets. Mary would oversee the members who would work with securing long hair in buns and braids. Vincent appointed himself in charge of the bandana brigade.

* * *

Sarah’s group met in the study where she opened the box that one of the helpers had sent down containing white hairnets of assorted sizes and a few beard nets. She opted for William to be the first model for these restraints. She had him sit down on a stool and proceeded to pick a hairnet that would fit around his head and contain all his hair. The medium size was a perfect fit. Then she handed him a beard net. He glowered at her.

“William, you know perfectly well that Father will expect you to wear this.” Sarah put her hands on her hips trying to look authoritative and bend the iron will of the cook to her goal.

William huffed. “I never had to wear a beard net in all my years of cooking, and I don’t want to start now.”

Sarah felt like she was dealing with a two-year old throwing a tantrum. “Please just try it on so we can see how this works,” she said as she took the beard net from William and hooked the loop around his left ear and stretched the net over his beard to affix the other loop to his right ear. “See now, that covers the beard hair and moustache completely.” Sarah stood back to assess her model.

William grumbled his displeasure. “Humph!”

Rebecca selected a medium net to enclose her hair but opted to have her bangs hang out the front. Sarah shook her head and claimed that even the bangs should be contained within the net. Rebecca complied.

Sarah stuffed her long dark tresses into the largest hairnet that ballooned to its maximum volume to encapsulate the massive bulk. Eric took a small net and placed it over his head. Sarah smiled her approval as all hair was effectively secured. This group was ready for the assessment.

* * *

Mary had her group meet in her chamber where she had an assortment of rubber bands, hair pins, bobby pins, and scrunchies courtesy of Catherine. The members of her team included Samantha, Ellie, and Brooke. Since they all had long hair, they were familiar with several ways to manage it.

“Why don’t we all do our own hair in the styles to which we have become accustomed when we don’t wear it down,” Mary suggested as she looked around the chamber.

All three of the team members voiced their agreement.

Mary did her usual upswept bun where she twirled her hair around and around into a messy bun that she attempted to hold in place with hair pins. Brooke opted for a French twist that she secured with bobby pins. Ellie pulled her hair back into a curly ponytail with one of the scrunchies. Samatha asked Mary to help her with a French braid that was secured at the end with another of the scrunchies.

“I think that we all look fine and that Father will be pleased,” Mary announced as she looked at her team.

None of them wanted to tell her that her long hair was already starting to escape the confines of her bun. This was usual for Mary, and she was unaware of it as they headed for the dining hall.

* * *

Vincent’s team included Jamie, Kipper, and Geoffrey. Mouse showed up as a shadow to Jamie, which was expected even though he never worked in the kitchen due to his lack of focus. Vincent opened the box of extra-large bandanas in an assortment of colors and offered a red one to Jamie. She had Kipper sit in Vincent’s chair while she tied the scarf around the top of his head in pirate fashion.

Geoffrey was impressed and proclaimed, “Cool, you look just like a pirate. Jamie, please help me with mine.” She quickly granted his request by tying a black bandana into place around the top of his head.

Catherine arrived an hour early for their planned Saturday afternoon tunnel outing. “May I come in?” She paused at the entrance to Vincent’s chamber.

“Of course, Catherine, you are just in time to help us with our project.” Vincent watched in amusement as Catherine stepped in with a quizzical expression.

“Are you creating costumes for a play about pirates?” Catherine could not imagine any other scenario.

“No, we’re working on hair restraints for when we work in the kitchen. Father has found one too many hairs in his food.” Jamie giggled as she tied a light blue bandana around Vincent’s head while he sat in his chair.

Catherine admired the rakish look the bandana afforded him as it highlighted the color of his eyes. While his bangs and the front of his hair were contained, the rest of his long blond hair was splayed widely over his shoulders and back.

“No good. Too much hair,” Mouse declared while he shook his head and shuffled closer to Vincent for an assessing look.

“Why don’t we braid his hair to contain it?” Catherine stepped up to do the honors. She had been itching to get her fingers in Vincent’s hair for a long time. Jamie stepped back and handed her the hairbrush she had grabbed off Vincent’s dresser. Vincent sat still as stone while Catherine removed the bandana and began to gently brush his hair. She was letting her fingers glide along his scalp with her free hand.

Mouse stared at the duo. “Vincent, why holding breath? Catherine, why smiling?”

“Was I?” The identical response came from both subjects of his inquiry at the same time. Everybody broke out into laughter.

“I am just happy to be here, Mouse.” Catherine offered her explanation as she placed the brush back on the dresser. Vincent chose to let the question remain unanswered.

She expertly divided his hair into three equal sections, exposing his very human-looking ears. The laughter had relaxed Vincent, and he was breathing normally. It felt good to both as she loosely wove his hair into a single braid down the center of his back. It was too bad that they had an audience witnessing this previously disallowed contact.

“What do we have to secure the end of the braid?” Catherine turned to Jamie.

Mouse produced a black shoelace from one of his pockets and Catherine tied it around the bottom of the thick braid. She then stepped in front of Vincent to add the bandana to cover his bangs and tied it into place.

“Mission accomplished,” she declared and gave Vincent one of her smiles that warmed his heart.

“Thank you, Catherine. Now we need to do Jamie’s hair.” Vincent rose to his feet and gestured for Jamie to sit in the chair.

Catherine was wearing a banana clip to secure her hair at the back of her head. She removed it and created the same hairstyle in Jamie’s hair. She used a dark blue bandana to contain Jamie’s bangs.

Catherine stood back to survey the foursome and declared with a smile, “Pirates. You are all ready for the inspection.”

Mouse agreed vigorously. “Okay good. Okay fine.”

* * *

The three teams met in the dining hall for Father’s assessment of the proposed solutions. He was surprised to see Catherine among the kitchen help. They exchanged greetings before the assessment began.

Father struggled to maintain a neutral expression as he inspected each member individually. The adults were decidedly more on edge than the children. William looked uncomfortable with the hair and beard nets encasing his hair and he continuously plucked at the beard net loops around his ears as he muttered under his breath. Mary’s bun was uncoiling with each breath she took, and she fussed to pin it back into place. Sarah kept patting her hairnet in a nervous gesture and stuffing loose ends back into the net. Vincent appeared self-conscious by the scrutiny, and Father suspected that Catherine had strongly influenced his son’s current appearance. The children were enjoying the challenge as only the young could since it was a break from the everyday routine of the tunnels.

“I think that there are two alternatives that will work well to corral hair while working in the kitchen.” Father played with his glasses in his hand as he sat down at a table. “The hairnets and beard nets are probably the best solution and the bandanas with long hair secured in the back is the next best alternative. Do you all agree?”

“I agree with everything except the beard net.” William grumbled as he still fussed with the ear loops. “It’s uncomfortable and annoying. How will I be able to concentrate on cooking?”

“It was a beard hair in my soup that started this whole endeavor, William. You will have to become accustomed to the restraints as I am sure you will in time. You likely won’t even notice it after a few days.” Father was not budging on this point.

“I think the choices we have made should be trialed for a time to see if the objective is met.” Vincent offered his opinion as the voice of reason.

Most of the coifed heads were nodding in agreement. The kids were all in for the pirate look. And so Father decreed that the hair restraints would start immediately with the next meal.

* * *

A month went by smoothly with no more incidents before Father found a few short hairs on top of his macaroni salad. He was about to speak up when he looked down at his vest and saw the source of the contamination. Mary had trimmed his hair earlier in the morning and he had not changed his clothes afterwards. He chuckled softly as he plucked the offending hairs from his food. It appeared that the “no hair down in the kitchen” edict was effective. The residents were on their own to ensure their own actions didn’t add their hair to the food being consumed.